Being Strong For Everyone

"Hey! How have you been?"

"I've been good, how about you?"

"Oh I've been good too!"

When you meet people you haven't seen in a while, this is probably how the conversation starts. I'm no exception either, this is exactly what I say to everyone. It's very normal and everyone does it, but there's one problem;  I'm lying when I say "I'm good"

Chances are, you probably know exactly what I mean by saying that. But what's the problem with that lie right? I mean, we lie all the time. Though I refuse to comment on whether or not lying is right in the first place (mainly because I can't answer that myself!) what I will say is that the problem with doing that is you programme yourself to respond in such, telling your brain "its okay to lie about how I'm really doing"

Now, it was not too long ago that I learnt how much being vulnerable is important to building relationships with people. And part of being vulnerable is about being honest about things that aren't always so good.

I've been doing for a long time and I realized how much that was harmful to me. I realize it was because I did not want people to see my weaknesses, to see my troubles and failures, to see my vulnerability. Most of the people in my life seek advice, comfort and positivity so I chose not to share the bad stuff in my life because I believed I have to put on a strong front for these people who look up to me; to be strong for everyone else. The result of that was that I responded in this way to everyone in my life and I could not talk about my shortcomings and the things that truly troubled me.

Sure enough, I bottled all these thoughts up till it led into a spiraling depression. It's amazing, when you think about it; how the smallest things we do in our everyday lives have such a profound impact on our being in the long run. I suppose that's why awareness is important to a healthy mind. 

A part of me really feels bad that I always speak to her about the bad stuff in my life, but after speaking to a friend of mine who happens to be a counsellor, I sort of realized how damaging my habits have been and how lonely I have become, despite having so many people around me. Though I believe we have to seek inwards to find the solutions to our problems, I now realize we cannot do it alone.

These days I've tried to speak to almost everyone and be honest about how I'm doing. This is how my conversations go;

"Hey! How have you been?"

"Pretty good, what about you?"

"Meh, I'm alright. Could be better I guess."

The result has been amazing - so much encouragement and advice from people in my lives and I feel like people can understand me more. Just today I received a random text from a friend saying "AJ, I'm always here for you and you can always speak to me!"

Of course I exercise discernment and don't go blabbering all my problems to everyone I speak to, (like I had the conversation in the beginning of this post with my grandfather today) but if I treasure this person and want them to be a part of my life, I suck up my ego and be honest. 

So if you're anything like me, then I encourage you to put down your mantle of strength and come down from the throne of superiority and walk with the people in your lives with honesty and vulnerability. I'm no expert, but damn it sure seems a lot more sincere and pleasant. At the end of the day we all want to be loved and respected, but if you want people to see how strong you are, then you have to show them how sometimes you're not strong as well. 

My views are not absolute and anyone is welcome to disagree with me, but let me know what you think, in the comments!

The Truth About Eggs

With my soon to be high-intensity involvement with health & fitness, i was reading up on dietary suggestions. Of which, eggs are commonplace when one tries to build muscle.

But aren't eggs full of cholesterol and isn't it bad for your health to eat too much eggs?

So i did some research and i discovered that is not the case!

1.It so happens that eggs contain mostly polyunsaturated fat, which can actually lower blood cholesterol if one replaces food containing saturated fat with eggs.

2. Egg whites contain the purest form of protein found in whole-foods. It is so high that nutritionists use them as the standard when comparing other whole-food proteins.

3. One egg in 10,000 is contaminated with salmonella, so you should never eat undercooked eggs, make eggnog on your own or mimic Rocky by swallowing them raw. (lol, Rocky :P)

So now that that's out of the way, let's get cracking at them eggs!

Read the full article: The Truth About Eggs

Destiny?

Was watching Terminator 3: Rise of The Machines just a moment ago. I shall quote the ending - "it never was our destiny to stop judgement day. It was our destiny to survive it."

after the movie I stared hard into the mirror and asked myself; what is destiny?

Destiny
: a predetermined course of events often held to be an irresistible power or agency
: something to which a person or thing is destined

so that's how the dictionary defines it. Sure, it seems logical. But definitions mean nothing unless we see it that way. For it is us that create definitions, who created words to these definitions. We do not live by our own creation.

and as such all of us are capable of shaping our own destinies, because we are not bound by definition. Society itself is not bound by definition. We ought to live in a place where we are free to explore our intellectual, physical and spiritual selves. Where knowledge is prized over materialism. A society of freedom, of equality, of knowledge and of empowerment. If you ask me, religion seems to restrict us of this notion that we are able to shape our own lives - but then again, who am I to talk about religion.

perhaps it is our destiny to challenge destiny, or to create it. Because if we can create what we call destiny, we can also choose not to create it. Does this make even destiny at our disposal? perhaps.

maybe the remarkable thing about being human is that we are capable of controlling our own fate. That it is not decided by any book, teaching, or law. Talk about empowerment.

Still, naivete and youth often go hand in hand. I am not even 20; at least not for the next few months.

And it begs to question again - what is destiny?

it's all about the music

I didn't expect I'd be doing it, cuz I told myself I'd never club again. Still, the allure of a friend in need was too much for me to deny. Shopping for underwear was wierd enough between to gay guys, but when we went to a spa things just got plain scary. Lol. Still, i cant deny it was fun, and rather exciting to be in such a place.


When we eventually ended up clubbing I'd never have imagined my friend would ditch me to get laid - but yeah, that's how guys in this circle often are. It's a good thing I got introduced to more people, with whom I ended up spending the night. I forgot how fun clubbing was when you're not alone.

I was also pleasantly suprised when someone came up to me and told me "you're a very good dancer! you should get up on stage!" Well I did eventually, and boy there isn't a feeling comparable in this world to that when you're up on stage doing what you love. Rah-rah ra ah ah ah rummah rummah mah aah gaga oo la la - I didn't need booze to get me to the top of the world; the moment I heard that song, I already was.

As I took the bus back I asked myself why I was really out that night. Was it really for this friend, or did I know that I would end up hitting the clubs that I personally told myself not to go to? Though I presume I wouldn't be going again for some time, I remembered why I went in the first place, and what made me go as often as I did before;

It's all about the MUSIC.

life's constant change.

i know it's something we all dread - to have a part of your life taken away and then completely realtered. You and i know we only fear it because we don't know what's going to happen; and uncertainty is the only thing keeping us from being brave.

my mom told me that being greedy was not going to help me. it's too bad i never fully comprehended that advice, because she was right. When i was greedy to the world, the world was greedy to me as well; it took more from me than i wanted to take from it.

yet the most predictable thing about life is it's unpredictability - how it always changes and moves on, whether you like it or are ready for it or not.

so yet again i've reached a revelation in my life where i'm gonna let this change in my life happen, and just go with the flow of life. afterall, it has never failed me before.

taking a leap into the unknown is well ... scary. but i know i can summon up the courage to do what i need to. :)

aj.

The Entertainer

ALL HAIL ADAM LAMBERT!!! hahaha.

Adam Lambert (who is undoubtedly my single most favourite male artist in the world) stole the night during the AMAs (American Music Awards) with his sexy and daring performance of his new single For Your Entertainment (click for a song link :D)

yet, some people ask; Did the gay American Idol runner-up go too far?

In his performance, he grabs crotches, pulls girls across the floor, and kisses a guy. Too much for primetime TV? perhaps. But if Adam were not gay, and he kissed a girl, or grabbed her crotch, no one would've made a big deal. When Madonna and Britney made out it wasn't as big a deal as this one. One guy actually said "no one gets turned on seeing 2 guys kissing on national TV, its actually a turn off." - well hello, would he say that if he saw 2 girls kissing? haha.

when asked if he was going to apologise for his performance that got him banned from Good Morning America, he simply said "no. i'm an entertainer." hats off to him baby.

that aside, Adam's performance was a great one. He could've had better choreography but it was already very suited to the beats, the rhythm and the mood of the song. Vocally Adam is still as powerful as ever, though it doesn't show as much as it does in some of the performances in Americal Idol. I have absolutely nothing to say about his clothes because my jaw dropped in marvel at how HOTTTT he looked. the spike on the left shoulder, the thick guy-liner. omg!
all in all, a 4 star performance for a 5 star song! :D

entertain us he did, with that powerful and lol, raunchy performance. take a look for yourself and create your own opinions. don't let society create them for ya. :)

standing at a crossroads.

dear blog, i'm stuck with a little dillemna right now. i know it doesn't always happen to me cuz i know what i want, but this time round, i have to pick between 2 very important priorities in life; work, and school...

you see, in order to be able to pay off my 2.5k debts, i have to work at least 29 hours in a week (that's 5 days of work at night) and earn enough to support me throughout the month, as well as slowly pay off these debts. I've been struggling and dragging all these payments for too long already. I ought to just finish them now.

I know i'm only 19 and my focus should not be on working, but i did what i did i.e. made mistakes that cost me bigtime, and now i have to be mature and resolve my mistakes.

the only problem is that, with more time spent at work, i have lesser time to spend on schoolwork. this leads to a catastrophic chain of downward spiraling grades etc etc.... well you know.


so right now i have to choose; do i want to settle my debts sooner, or should i just quit/work less to be able to get my schoolwork done?


what should i do? i know the right thing would be to focus on education blah blah blah. we all know how that goes. but put yourself in my shoes for a sec - having to budget yourself to only 1.30 cents a day and not eating as much as possible to save money each day. its tough. your body doesnt become very healthy either.


lol. im really confused. i kinda feel like quitting my job (which is what i kinda wanna do) but if i do, what's am i gonna do about the money i owe people? hahaha.


well i guess everything happens for a reason. i just have to trust that things will fall into place.

dear blog, wish me luck. lol