Coming Out All Over Again...

"I have something to tell you. I don't exactly like girls. Get what i'm saying?"
"Erm dude, i like guys...*innocent look*"
"I just wanna get this off my chest. *Breathes deeply* I'm gay."
"There's something you should know about me. I don't care what you say or think about me. I am who i am. I am gay."

Some of the lines that i have used in the past to enlighten my friends as to why i never spoke to them about girls i liked, or would talk about girls in a cheeky way etc etc etc. After 4 years of realizing who i am, I am at utmost confidence of myself. Yet, when i am put into new surroundings and i am forced to mingle, i often hold back the whole 'i'm gay' card and try my best to fit in while being myself. I don't laugh at gay jokes, but i don't say anything either. It's as if I am back in secondary school and i'm trying to come out all over again. I often avoid the subject and my tongue ties itself up when i try to use my famous lines up there. Basically, i'm having problems coming out to the new group of people i meet in my life.

The fact is that as a homosexual you come out many times in your life. When you go to the mall and see an old relative and she asks about your girlfriend. When you meet up your old school-mates and they ask you hows life. So on and so forth. Part of being an open homosexual is being able to come out to people comfortably and still respect yourself at the end of the day even though the person you met may not. Imma huge people pleaser. I do my best to be as diplomatic and please all parties involved in any situation. That's my nature. This kinda conflicts withs my views on homosexuality because when i come out i need to educate people, not sway to their opinion of who i am. What can i say, being gay and Ajmal is hard. Funny, being Ajmal also means being gay! :D

It takes a tremendous amount of courage to come out to someone for the first time, though it gets gradually easier the more you do it. You could not imagine how insecure i was when i first came out, unless of course you have come out youself lol. Somehow or rather, i am a little excited about the rejections i will face when it happens and how i will handle them. I just pray that i do not crumble under the pressure. If i do, i can only reach out for my phone and call Matthew, Marr or Kim Yong. LOL. XD - thanks guys for always being there. =)

And thank you (you know who you are) for recognising how much courage it takes to come out. Gimme a pat on my shoulder sometime and say "i'm glad for you. congratulations." - that's all i wanna hear ^^

happy gay pride month!
aj.