The only time you'll hear me talk about my love

It was an interestingly good day today. Numerous incredibly-awesome-totally-dope instances passed which include my classmates covering for me, having a great EC tutorial & a super hot guy messaging me. Nonetheless, i wanna mention something that happened today.

We ended up brisk walking to the MRT in an attempt to ditch someone and meet her at the station. The two of them started cracking jokes and poking each other. I laughed and laughed until in the corner of my eye i saw someone; someone vaguely familiar. My brain instinctively screamed his name in my head but i chose not believe it at first. So he walked past the pillar, a blind spot in my line of sight. And there, together with what seemed to be a friend was him. It was really him afterall. I would recognise that face anywhere. Even if my eyes had failed me at that moment i would've still recognised him.

One of the reasons i picked SP was because i could study network marketing. I also knew the poly the most, out of the 5 polys. But however, one other reason was the subconcious knowledge that a certain someone went to that school as well. I knew i would see him eventually, i just didnt think it'd be in that situation or this early in the year. Yes, thats right. I saw Whye Chiz today.

He walked past me without even stealing a glance in my direction - perhaps it was because my friends had me well hid behind their bodies, or perhaps i just had slipped too far in the shadow of his eyes that even if i stood right in front of him he would see right through me. He looked incredibly different, but not the different i wanted to see. He did not look as hunky as i thought he'd always turn out to be, and neither did he improve his sense of stlye and/or personal grooming. Sure he was decent looking and all, but an oversized T-shirt, berms that go 3/4 down his legs, the same old bag and slippers were always his style. At least that didn't change about him. It seemed like his face was scarred by pimples, but that may have just been my imagination, because i pray his beautiful face has not been scarred in any way.

I started to think after he left, and i was on my way to work. It was incredible seeing him today, even though he didnt see me. I haven't seen him in over 2 years. Yet, for some strange reason, i dont feel the same way i used to feel back then. Sure, i still loved him, but not like what i used to before. I smiled, assuring myself that i really had moved on.

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i know i was being a bit dramatic up there but hey u gotta forgive a dude when he hasn't seen the only man he loves in 2 years. No he doesn't know im gay and no i didn't go up and say hi because i feared his reaction. I am not sure i can live with the idea of him still not having forgiven me after all this time, and let it ruin my years in poly. I miss him oh so much but i also dont wanna ruin it all over again. God answered my prayers today when he let me see him again, a prayer i've long since been asking for. I can only pray now that the good Lord lets me talk talk to him again.

You know they say you never forget a first love. As much as i dont want to agree, the statement is true, at least in my case it is. I still love the dude, but not like back then when i was totally nuts and obsessed about him. Besides, he's not as hot as he once was :P

Lol, this must be a bit wierd to people reading this and all, so my apologies. Lemme be cuckoo in this one post okay? XD Dang! im gonna start crying soon lol

"If I know what love is, it is because of you."
--Herman Hesse

Taking a leap of faith

a lone man stood on the edge of a cliff, rapidly contemplating if he should take his leap of faith. He stood there, thinking and thinking, but the more he thought, the more he couldn't do it. It was just one of those things u do without thinking too much. So..

he jumped.


he landed with a big splash and found out he was still alive. In fact, he was more alive than he had ever been. He turned around and looked up at what he had just jumped from. The beauty of it left him speechless.
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Alot of times in our lives we lack the faith to do something incredible and just do it without thinking. We don't trust ourselves to be able to make it and thus we doubt we will. All too many times, a leap of faith into the unknown is rewarded with overflowing blessings. Hope you get the moral behind this one...

I guess i'm gonna do the same and jump off that cliff i've been dreading for so long. I trust God to help me out through it and that i land safely. With that...

I'M COMING OUTTA THE CLOSET FOR GOOD!

isn't about time you took that leap of faith too?

dude,ajmal and a chick

dude: i saw these two lesbians kissing. eww

ajmal: you know, homosexuality is perfectly natural, even animals do it

dude: is it?

ajmal: ya

dude: but i think GAYS are the most gross

ajmal: of course you would say that! ur a straight guy!

chick: U MEAN UR NOT STRAIGHT???

ajmal: ....

table laughs.
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what i think of poly? ---> -.-"

I dont wanna complain but...

So another chapter in my life unfolds. I cannot say i am too excited about it. The universe has a certain tendency to pile up problems on me at once. It gets very frustrating at times. But of course, i am not here to complain about that.

Being a poly student kinda changes lots of things. The principal said that (and i think i can agree) wearing our own clothes is a significant change because it means we are no longer in a regulated environment and that we are free to do as we choose, as adults do. Now, i don't know how much freedom adults have, but i believe that in poly we really are free people who must take responsibility for ourselves. That kinda scares me a little. I suddenly feel very small in a huge world that has seemed to unleash itself upon me. Oh how insignificant it makes me feel.

Back in FTPSS, i had to bust my ass off studying in order to get the 12 points i finally happened to get. Yet here, in the DBA class i am in, everyone has 12 points - and the worst part is they really dont feel it was much to them at all! Some even shared with me that they were slacking all the way to prelims and then ended up with 12 points. Like what? Apparently i'm just surrounded by geniuses. One ofthe lecturers keeps saying "you all are smart people!" and that "SP's Business school has the brightests students!"

I guess at the end of the day, i just feel pissed off that all that hard work i put in last year seemed to have no special outcome. I guess i was just used to being different, now i'm not. I blend in with all the mega-geniuses i have in my course and may even be the underdog.

one more thing. How am i supposed to be openly gay in poly? it seems like everyone around me is making homophobic-jokes and spreading homophobic ideas around. I cant imagine how they would react to me coming out to them, if i ever do lol.

Man i guess thats the 'adult' world for ya. I just dont seem to be myself lately. The universe has probably effectively broken me down till im all tender and fragile. I guess i just need time to build myself up again, after being torn down like that.

So if u see me around, do encourage me a little bit ya? We all need a human touch once in a while. =)

How Does It Feel To Be Gay?

Yeah, it's about time i posted another 'gay video' - lolz. This one helps people to understand how it feels to grow up as a gay person. The emotions that you might feel are what gay people feel as they grow up and perhaps this will help bridge an understanding between homosexuality and heterosexuality. It's only 6 minutes, just close your eyes and imagine. =)



Check out his YouTube channel: bmcnaught