The Troubles of Being Twenty (Something)

  

There comes a time in every person’s life when you look back and ask yourself “what the heck am I doing with my life?” Many things prompt this question – being stuck in a routine, increasing financial debt, growing older or even falling sick. Whilst most people aren’t immune to this phenomena, when you’re in your twenties, this question seems to pop up every few years or so.

Landed that job in a field that you had pictured to be much more glamorous than what it really is. Suddenly realize that your relationship of several years doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. That grand plan to make yourself financially free by your mid-twenties isn’t bearing any real fruit. You’re not as energetic as you used to be and you’re starting to become whiny like your parents whom you said you’d never be like. You’re telling people you’re becoming old even though you’re only twenty-seven.

You get the picture. Whilst the specifics and the circumstances of each are different, most of us who are in our twenties seem to go through this phase. It seems that in our twenties we are most likely to hit dead-ends, make huge mistakes and commit ourselves to things we may not necessarily be able to fulfill.

Is there even a meaning to all this? Perhaps there is - metamorphosis. You know, that process where a Caterpie… errr I mean, a caterpillar becomes a butterfly. If you think about it, metamorphosis is kind of scary. The caterpillar’s structure is completely broken down, and it starts to reform itself. The soon to emerge butterfly looks almost nothing like the caterpillar that it was before.

I guess in many ways, being in your twenties is kind of like that process. We start to question many of our ideals and goals. We form new habits and gain new perspectives on life, shift our priorities to things we never imagined we would, all the while not knowing if what we are doing is, for lack of a better term, right. In other words, we are creating that butterfly, and we have almost no idea how it’s going to look like.

Lets be honest, this is a relatively difficult time where we’re sandwiched between the responsibilities of adulthood and the playfulness of youth. 

via GIPHY

It also doesn’t help that society exerts all that pressure on us but goes back on forth on that as well. When it chooses to, we’re adults (“you’re old enough now, be responsible for your life”) and at other times, call us kids (“you’re too inexperienced to know what’s good for you”). There is truth to both of these, but for someone who is trying to discover themselves and their place in the world and in society, this can be quite confusing and disorienting. It is no wonder, so many of us end up banging our heads on walls trying to figure out which direction to go.

I’m not a girl/boy, not yet a woman/man, right?

But perhaps, that’s exactly the great thing about being in your twenties. We are not yet so jaded about life and carry a relatively light emotional baggage to that of people who are much older. We still hope and dream, and have the enough (albeit dwindling) vitality to pursue them. Yet at the same time, we are mature enough to see the importance of responsibility, to make rational choices that will likely change our lives, and are capable of holding our own in the world around us. There isn’t any other time in our lives that we get to experience the in-betweens of adulthood and youth like we do when are in our twenties.

Maybe if we looked at it that way, being in our twenties isn’t so bad after all. That’s not to say that it makes this phase of life any easier.

Coming back to that caterpillar analogy. Even a caterpillar knows that it is completely vulnerable when it is going through its metamorphosis. As such, before that happens, it encases itself in a hard cocoon to make it’s protected. Maybe that’s what we ourselves need to do to make sure that we are protected, so that the butterfly inside can emerge unhindered.

What are some of these ways we can protect ourselves then? Some of us use religion. Others logic. Some of us shield ourselves with friends and family, while others isolate themselves from everyone else. To be honest, I feel that all of these ways are brilliant, and should be used to balance each other out. After all, the negativity of the world can be really hard to fend off, and we should have a diverse strategy in handling it. Each of these works differently for each of us, and no one really knows which would be best, other than us. Yet another thing to work out during this phase… As if we didn’t have enough already.

Ultimately, that is the joy of growing up and experiencing life; that we teach ourselves to do it (with a little help from everyone else of course). Along the way, we learn how love and compassion build us up and arrogance and hate tear us down. There probably isn’t any better way to get through it other than rolling up our sleeves and just doing it. At this point in our lives, the world really is in our hands and we choose how we want to shape it.

Perhaps we can all embrace this phase of our life with all its adversity and triumph, without being overly jaded and complacent. At the end of the day, we ought to make it a goal to become brilliant people with all the hopes of our youth and the wisdom and skill of our adulthood.

So here’s to wishing you a great twenty-hood. May you become that brilliant butterfly that is waiting to burst forth.

Being Strong For Everyone

"Hey! How have you been?"

"I've been good, how about you?"

"Oh I've been good too!"

When you meet people you haven't seen in a while, this is probably how the conversation starts. I'm no exception either, this is exactly what I say to everyone. It's very normal and everyone does it, but there's one problem;  I'm lying when I say "I'm good"

Chances are, you probably know exactly what I mean by saying that. But what's the problem with that lie right? I mean, we lie all the time. Though I refuse to comment on whether or not lying is right in the first place (mainly because I can't answer that myself!) what I will say is that the problem with doing that is you programme yourself to respond in such, telling your brain "its okay to lie about how I'm really doing"

Now, it was not too long ago that I learnt how much being vulnerable is important to building relationships with people. And part of being vulnerable is about being honest about things that aren't always so good.

I've been doing for a long time and I realized how much that was harmful to me. I realize it was because I did not want people to see my weaknesses, to see my troubles and failures, to see my vulnerability. Most of the people in my life seek advice, comfort and positivity so I chose not to share the bad stuff in my life because I believed I have to put on a strong front for these people who look up to me; to be strong for everyone else. The result of that was that I responded in this way to everyone in my life and I could not talk about my shortcomings and the things that truly troubled me.

Sure enough, I bottled all these thoughts up till it led into a spiraling depression. It's amazing, when you think about it; how the smallest things we do in our everyday lives have such a profound impact on our being in the long run. I suppose that's why awareness is important to a healthy mind. 

A part of me really feels bad that I always speak to her about the bad stuff in my life, but after speaking to a friend of mine who happens to be a counsellor, I sort of realized how damaging my habits have been and how lonely I have become, despite having so many people around me. Though I believe we have to seek inwards to find the solutions to our problems, I now realize we cannot do it alone.

These days I've tried to speak to almost everyone and be honest about how I'm doing. This is how my conversations go;

"Hey! How have you been?"

"Pretty good, what about you?"

"Meh, I'm alright. Could be better I guess."

The result has been amazing - so much encouragement and advice from people in my lives and I feel like people can understand me more. Just today I received a random text from a friend saying "AJ, I'm always here for you and you can always speak to me!"

Of course I exercise discernment and don't go blabbering all my problems to everyone I speak to, (like I had the conversation in the beginning of this post with my grandfather today) but if I treasure this person and want them to be a part of my life, I suck up my ego and be honest. 

So if you're anything like me, then I encourage you to put down your mantle of strength and come down from the throne of superiority and walk with the people in your lives with honesty and vulnerability. I'm no expert, but damn it sure seems a lot more sincere and pleasant. At the end of the day we all want to be loved and respected, but if you want people to see how strong you are, then you have to show them how sometimes you're not strong as well. 

My views are not absolute and anyone is welcome to disagree with me, but let me know what you think, in the comments!

The Truth About Eggs

With my soon to be high-intensity involvement with health & fitness, i was reading up on dietary suggestions. Of which, eggs are commonplace when one tries to build muscle.

But aren't eggs full of cholesterol and isn't it bad for your health to eat too much eggs?

So i did some research and i discovered that is not the case!

1.It so happens that eggs contain mostly polyunsaturated fat, which can actually lower blood cholesterol if one replaces food containing saturated fat with eggs.

2. Egg whites contain the purest form of protein found in whole-foods. It is so high that nutritionists use them as the standard when comparing other whole-food proteins.

3. One egg in 10,000 is contaminated with salmonella, so you should never eat undercooked eggs, make eggnog on your own or mimic Rocky by swallowing them raw. (lol, Rocky :P)

So now that that's out of the way, let's get cracking at them eggs!

Read the full article: The Truth About Eggs

Destiny?

Was watching Terminator 3: Rise of The Machines just a moment ago. I shall quote the ending - "it never was our destiny to stop judgement day. It was our destiny to survive it."

after the movie I stared hard into the mirror and asked myself; what is destiny?

Destiny
: a predetermined course of events often held to be an irresistible power or agency
: something to which a person or thing is destined

so that's how the dictionary defines it. Sure, it seems logical. But definitions mean nothing unless we see it that way. For it is us that create definitions, who created words to these definitions. We do not live by our own creation.

and as such all of us are capable of shaping our own destinies, because we are not bound by definition. Society itself is not bound by definition. We ought to live in a place where we are free to explore our intellectual, physical and spiritual selves. Where knowledge is prized over materialism. A society of freedom, of equality, of knowledge and of empowerment. If you ask me, religion seems to restrict us of this notion that we are able to shape our own lives - but then again, who am I to talk about religion.

perhaps it is our destiny to challenge destiny, or to create it. Because if we can create what we call destiny, we can also choose not to create it. Does this make even destiny at our disposal? perhaps.

maybe the remarkable thing about being human is that we are capable of controlling our own fate. That it is not decided by any book, teaching, or law. Talk about empowerment.

Still, naivete and youth often go hand in hand. I am not even 20; at least not for the next few months.

And it begs to question again - what is destiny?

it's all about the music

I didn't expect I'd be doing it, cuz I told myself I'd never club again. Still, the allure of a friend in need was too much for me to deny. Shopping for underwear was wierd enough between to gay guys, but when we went to a spa things just got plain scary. Lol. Still, i cant deny it was fun, and rather exciting to be in such a place.


When we eventually ended up clubbing I'd never have imagined my friend would ditch me to get laid - but yeah, that's how guys in this circle often are. It's a good thing I got introduced to more people, with whom I ended up spending the night. I forgot how fun clubbing was when you're not alone.

I was also pleasantly suprised when someone came up to me and told me "you're a very good dancer! you should get up on stage!" Well I did eventually, and boy there isn't a feeling comparable in this world to that when you're up on stage doing what you love. Rah-rah ra ah ah ah rummah rummah mah aah gaga oo la la - I didn't need booze to get me to the top of the world; the moment I heard that song, I already was.

As I took the bus back I asked myself why I was really out that night. Was it really for this friend, or did I know that I would end up hitting the clubs that I personally told myself not to go to? Though I presume I wouldn't be going again for some time, I remembered why I went in the first place, and what made me go as often as I did before;

It's all about the MUSIC.

life's constant change.

i know it's something we all dread - to have a part of your life taken away and then completely realtered. You and i know we only fear it because we don't know what's going to happen; and uncertainty is the only thing keeping us from being brave.

my mom told me that being greedy was not going to help me. it's too bad i never fully comprehended that advice, because she was right. When i was greedy to the world, the world was greedy to me as well; it took more from me than i wanted to take from it.

yet the most predictable thing about life is it's unpredictability - how it always changes and moves on, whether you like it or are ready for it or not.

so yet again i've reached a revelation in my life where i'm gonna let this change in my life happen, and just go with the flow of life. afterall, it has never failed me before.

taking a leap into the unknown is well ... scary. but i know i can summon up the courage to do what i need to. :)

aj.

The Entertainer

ALL HAIL ADAM LAMBERT!!! hahaha.

Adam Lambert (who is undoubtedly my single most favourite male artist in the world) stole the night during the AMAs (American Music Awards) with his sexy and daring performance of his new single For Your Entertainment (click for a song link :D)

yet, some people ask; Did the gay American Idol runner-up go too far?

In his performance, he grabs crotches, pulls girls across the floor, and kisses a guy. Too much for primetime TV? perhaps. But if Adam were not gay, and he kissed a girl, or grabbed her crotch, no one would've made a big deal. When Madonna and Britney made out it wasn't as big a deal as this one. One guy actually said "no one gets turned on seeing 2 guys kissing on national TV, its actually a turn off." - well hello, would he say that if he saw 2 girls kissing? haha.

when asked if he was going to apologise for his performance that got him banned from Good Morning America, he simply said "no. i'm an entertainer." hats off to him baby.

that aside, Adam's performance was a great one. He could've had better choreography but it was already very suited to the beats, the rhythm and the mood of the song. Vocally Adam is still as powerful as ever, though it doesn't show as much as it does in some of the performances in Americal Idol. I have absolutely nothing to say about his clothes because my jaw dropped in marvel at how HOTTTT he looked. the spike on the left shoulder, the thick guy-liner. omg!
all in all, a 4 star performance for a 5 star song! :D

entertain us he did, with that powerful and lol, raunchy performance. take a look for yourself and create your own opinions. don't let society create them for ya. :)

standing at a crossroads.

dear blog, i'm stuck with a little dillemna right now. i know it doesn't always happen to me cuz i know what i want, but this time round, i have to pick between 2 very important priorities in life; work, and school...

you see, in order to be able to pay off my 2.5k debts, i have to work at least 29 hours in a week (that's 5 days of work at night) and earn enough to support me throughout the month, as well as slowly pay off these debts. I've been struggling and dragging all these payments for too long already. I ought to just finish them now.

I know i'm only 19 and my focus should not be on working, but i did what i did i.e. made mistakes that cost me bigtime, and now i have to be mature and resolve my mistakes.

the only problem is that, with more time spent at work, i have lesser time to spend on schoolwork. this leads to a catastrophic chain of downward spiraling grades etc etc.... well you know.


so right now i have to choose; do i want to settle my debts sooner, or should i just quit/work less to be able to get my schoolwork done?


what should i do? i know the right thing would be to focus on education blah blah blah. we all know how that goes. but put yourself in my shoes for a sec - having to budget yourself to only 1.30 cents a day and not eating as much as possible to save money each day. its tough. your body doesnt become very healthy either.


lol. im really confused. i kinda feel like quitting my job (which is what i kinda wanna do) but if i do, what's am i gonna do about the money i owe people? hahaha.


well i guess everything happens for a reason. i just have to trust that things will fall into place.

dear blog, wish me luck. lol

a new phone and a new discovery!

I didn't expect i'd be going, neither did i expect to get anything from it; but yes, today i went to the IT fair at Singapore Expo. It was ridisculously crowded with people succumbing to their primitive insticts of being vultures and hyenas when they see good bargains and/or cheap prices - especially Singaporeans.

To be honest, i thought i'd be seeing a room full of nerds/geeks and nerds/geeks alone. To some extent i was right, because even the sales personel looked like they spent their whole lives facing the computer screen and not the mirror. lol.

I was wrong however, because amongst the crowd i saw many lookers, some in tank tops, some in tight fitting clothes, some real cuties and some drop dead gorgeous people. Heck, there were even people cruising in the toilet!

And it made me realize something - that my stereotypes of events like these is indeed and absolutely not true. Just because i picture tech-savvy people to be wide-framed-bescpectabled, pimple-flooded, and bad-oral hygiene people; doesn't make it true. It just made me rethink my stereotypes of the industry.

And come on, lets face it. In this century, our lives cannot exist without the IT people. In many ways it made me appreciate the people that go into making our lives more convenient and borderless.

Our shopping list for the day - A lenovo laptop for Huckle, an iPod nano for my mommy, and a 5 mega-pixel LG phone for me. I know what you're thinking - "omg, LG phone? SUCKS LOR!"
but alas, the only reason i need a phone is to be able to call, sms, maybe surf the net and most importantly, to take good shots. And this phone seems to do it well. plus, it's PINK! .......... ish. Lol.

Although I had to depart with the phone that has been serving me very well for the past 10 months or so, i had something to gain in the end. All things DO workout afterall. At least now I dont have an excuse NOT TO take pics and flood this blog with em. haha

and in conclusion, i'm glad that i am in a stage of my life where i am seeing past literally almost every stereotype i have and learn to execpt the fact that all of us are human beings, unique and special in ways we ourselves cannot contemplate. Not just in the IT industry, but in every situation, and in every case. Labelling people does not help you understand or "categorise" them.

perhaps its about time you moved on from your stereotypes too?

cheers, aj

goodbye social life!

as much as i love the way i live my social life, what with all the ppl i meet and stuff i do, sometimes life just does not allow you to have everything go your way. Simply put, circumstances in our lives force us to make decisions - decisions based on importance. Inevitably I must chose what's right and be mature about what decision i make. It's about time anyway.

unfortunately, i never took this job to spend on myself. i work to satisfy others and clear my name, if you know what i mean. haha. so for the next 6 months or so, i'll have to say goodbye to my social life to make more time for work/school and save the cash from the vigorous spenditure of my socialising. haha

still hope i can get that guitar next month though! I mean i gotta keep something for myself too right? lol

sorry buddies, i wont be able to hang as much for a while... :(

yea.

Equality Before Equal Rights.

The other day I was thinking. I asked myself why until now I got no bf - i came up with a million reasons but that's not the point.

There is so much fuss these days, about equal rights in the homosexual community. In Singapore though, it doesn't seem like that big of a deal, although us GAY people are starting to step out into society more and more openly.

I once questioned if one of my life's purpose is to fight for equality FOR the gay people in this country. Why though, would I want to do that? Is it cuz of the fame? the chance to live MY life freely? the attention I could create? Or just because I feel strongly about it?

Then i remembered fighting for LGBT rights is fighting FOR the LGBT people. And its here that i hit my wall. "Why seh, should i fight for them?" - i asked myself. When I took myself out of the picture and just looked, i saw that us homosexuals dont even see ourselves as equals, let alone to have others see us as equals in society. I don't know why, but many many gay guys I know are as shallow as the puddle that forms after the rain next to the lonkang, along the roadside. They judge each other's looks, gender, mannerism, physicality, RACE, and such. People are just physical objects and no longer human beings that have emotions thoughts.

I talk to my gay friends and this is exactly the criteria they judge their potential life/sex partners to be. So in many ways, we discrimnate each other first in purely physical ways that the straight world has been able to somewhat overcome (or so it seems).

I thought that of all the people, gay people would be the ones not to judge other people and accept them for who they are. Turns out, its the other way around. Its kinda ironic, but we have ourselves have become a society of judgemental and discriminating people. The very thing gay people around the world are fighting AGAINST.

Now I am not resistant to this society. I myself have been judgemental and discriminating people. But for once, I can take myself out of the picture and see what it is I am doing. A huge slap on my face. Somehow I feel and wonder, that if i did not behave like this, I would not fit into this society - something I kinda dread.

All these made me realize, that if there is any society that needs to have its mindset changed, its the gay people themselves. Why would the world accept a society of people that judge themselves yet seek not to be judged by others outside the society? Wouldn't that be hipocracy? Human nature I guess, but we are beings that have choices - we chose what we want to believe in and what we want to accept. Because of that, there is no doubt that we can look past the physical and accept people for who they really are; chubby,slim, open, passive, chinese, indian, malay or otherwise.

maybe someday I'll see these things not to be true, and have a broader picture - at least i hope I will.

p.s. all these references are taken in a local context, i have yet to experience the culture of international gay societies.

cheers.
aj

Running After Money.

It's my 6th day of work already, so that means I've been working 6 days out of the possible 7 in a week. Wow. Anyways today - or maybe I should say yesterday, considering it's past 12 am - was supposed to be my off day. But yesterday my supervisor requested i work today as well. Even after denying the idea initially and explaining to him that I had school the following day, he still was persistent. He said this one thing to psycho me "can la... earn a little bit more money only lor," so there you have it. I went to work today so that an extra 15 bucks or so could be added to my wallet. -.-


Nonetheless, it was an interesting experience. I don't think many new guys get to be a food runner in their first week, like I was today. My name was not on the initial list, so the supervisor just added me under the 'food runner collumn'. It's not as easy as it seems okay! There are so many items on the menu and i kept on having to ask the chefs what it was I was serving. This one chef probably got irritated and then chose not to reply me. He pointed to receipt instead, which stated the short form of the food I was carrying. Ok la, at least now I know how to identify the food I serve now.


My one screw-up today was how i held the hot plate. Apparently you're supposed to hold it with your forearm below the wooden platform and ur palm supporting it, with the side where there is no sauce facing you. I held it with my fingers at the sides... lol. The plate was damn hot can? I knew it would be hot, BUT MAN that was FLAME GRILLING HOTNESS! I burnt my fingers carrying out to the customer lol. Furthermore, the sauce was splattering all around (because it's poured onto the hot plate and it starts sizzling) and i got minor burns on my forearms as well. Lol. My supervisor caught me and after a short discussion with the other supervisor, he brought me back into the kitchen and taught me how to hold it.





I told myself to remain motivated in this job and keep on doing my best even though I may be new and suck at lots of things - that's exactly what I did today. I managed to get past the initial blurness and then picked up my pace to match the rest of my co-workers. A buddy of mine helped me by teaching what I should do and how. I wanted a waiter's job, so now I huess I have to deal with whatever shit I may get from doing this.

My first waitering job and despite all the setbacks, I'm still lovin' what I do! :D

To my bearbear.

That's right. This post is for you. You seem so adamant on letting the entire world know about us in your blog, I didn't think you'd mind me having this one post to tell everyone that reads this blog (there are not many so no worries).

I have been waiting my whole life for someone to fill that emptiness I've always felt. To be honest, I thought you'd fill that void. When James first introduced you to me, he pm-ed me seperately from our conference and told me;

"aj. don't let this one slip away."

"why?"

"well you wanted a bf. this could be your chance."

You said you started smiling again after you met me, I could see in those beautiful eyes how much you wanted me. You made me smile again after a long time too, but that smile was in no way strong enough to overcome what I felt in my heart - it told me you were not the one.

I liked you more the more i met you, but never in the way you liked me. In fact, when I was away from you, I felt the most at peace - all that told me exactly what my heart really wanted (or did not want).

I dreaded the day I would not want you to be my boyfriend, but it came eventually. Like I told you that night we met, I cannot force myself to like someone when I don't.

After countless times of getting my own heart broken, I never imagined I'd be the one to break someone elses' heart. At least I did it graciously and did not walk away without closure. Sad thing is you didn't really seem to appreciate that. You dont know how much hurt and sadness I felt to tell you what I did. I ate myself up because of it. Maybe Matthew, Marr and Kelvin would know, but you dont.

I know its easy for you to think I dont care, that I'm the bad guy, that I mistreated you. I hope you see otherwise soon. The first time I saw you I saw your eyes; I peeked into your soul and I knew how innocent and tender you truly were. Characteristics that were not meant for me I guess.

Alas, I don't want this post to be all emo and sappy (because im starting to tear already -.-). Remember how on our first meeting we went up to that block and played with each other at the stairs? I never did that before. We kept saying "stop it," when we both knew we wanted it hahaha. That was fun.

Remember how I felt so guilty for being late when I met you on our second date and I brought you chocolates? I never gave anyone chocolates before, so count yourself honored. Holding your hand in the movies the entire time was the most secure feeling I've ever felt. I don't think you knew that. ;)

Remember how we sat in front of cathay and just talked until i missed the train to meet kelvin? I enjoyed that night, really. Was the most romantic thing I've done in a long time.

And i hope its all these that you will remember from me, and not those bad things you've built up in your head. I know what I will remember.

You're the sweetest guy I've known till date, and I am not just saying that. So here's to you paul. I hope to see you smile again someday and have those beautiful eyes of yours brightened once again.



Have a good life.

aj.

http://notsoreallylor.blogspot.com/2009/10/trust.html

I am A J-mal.

I was discussing this the other day with my bestest gay friend. Most people out there know that homosexuals are known as well, gay. But I bet many don't know that like in different countries they call themselves different things.

Like in Malaysia they're called PLU which stands for 'People Like Us'
In China they're called something in chinese that literally translates into 'comrades'
And here in Singapore we're called AJ - i know. Sounds like someone you know doesn't it? :P

My gym buddy said that I was predestined to be gay because even my name has the acronyms of the gay term. Even though I think we're all predestined to be what we eventually become, I still think its kinda funny, and amazingly accurate how YOU ARE WHAT YOUR NAME IS. Lol.

I think the terminology was created so we can stay discreet, and I guess I pretty much just outed everyone didn't I? Lol. So don't tell anyone about these terms hahaha.

marr's super-awesome post.

" Love is temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides, And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessnessm it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both and art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two. "

i took this from my besty's blog. i think she perfectly describes what love in its essence is. read more of it to find out about her life and her relationship with her sweet boyfriend, seriously.

i salute you marr. congratulations on your love for each other. best buds always, aj.

i need you guys right now, like really.

dear blog buddies (that means you who's reading this), i need a little favour from you. i'm trying my best not to think of a certain someone, as you can imagine i would do if you read the previous posts. Now, if i'm alone at home and rotting away, i feel desperately lonely and i start thinking of him. can you guys please drag me out of this depressing house and keep me company? i need to spend my time with someone, lest i start spamming him with smses again.

thanks once again to my best-buds for keeping me company these couple of days to take my mind off him. And thank you in advance for those of you who are gonna drag me out. =D

i need someone to be with tommorrow, that is the 14th of September (technically its today, but whatever laaaa).

send me a message! cheers.

How's Life?

We've all heard it before. The uber-common phrase when we speak to someone we dont see sooo often. "How's life?" I'm not much on mediocrity so I don't believe in giving mediocre answers like "ok lor," or "its alright." So lemme share with you a little analogy on life I have.

Life to me is like an orchestra piece. It compromises of many sections and parts, of many movements and phases, with many different emotions and messages.

My life compromises of soooo many things and people. It moves through many phases; some happy some sad, some peaceful some MAD. So many emotions and messages come into play and influence the mood of my life, it's barely even describable. Just as all the components of an orchestra piece come together and form a perfect musical masterpiece, the many components of my life fall into place and then you realize everything is meant to be the way it is; and like the we hear the beauty of a perfect chord, i see the beauty of life this way.

So next time you decide to ask me such a question, be prepared for an answer like that. To make things easier for you, just don't ask me. Lol.

Life's Directions.

Life is probably the most interesting on Earth. I mean, each living being on this planet has a life that is so different from every other life; and it's simply spectacular what life can do.

Being away from this blog for ages, my life has, naturally, been incredibly eventful. And the only reason I'm back here today is because my besty said "it's been a long time since you've blogged."
I realised I've transformed so much on the inside, it's almost as if the same Ajmal doesn't exist anymore.

It's no doubt that being gay has influenced and impacted the way I live my life in a large way. However, I'd never imagine it would be of that magnitude. For some time now, my life has been all about, as Lady Gaga's song goes; Boys, boys, boys! You don't wanna know what I'd gotten into, really.

As is many things in life, nothing is for certain, and nothing is completely secure, especially relationships. Uncountable heartbreaks had left my soul drained and my body unable to battle the challenges of everyday life and its perpetual temptations. I merely let myself drift in the sands of time - something I would previously NEVER let myself do.

As my mind transformed, so did my life. It's just a testament to what thinking does to your life. I can tell you that I'm no longer that innocent little boy from secondary school. Its my last year as a teenager and I'm really glad i experienced what I did.

A close friend of mine asked me plainly - what happened to the Ajmal I used to know? I did not know how to answer him, because I knew exactly what he was talking about. For a while in my life, I looked in the mirror and did not recognise the man I saw.

No sensation is the same as when you once again realise for yourself where you want your life to go. My friend may have asked a simple question, but it set off a flurry of thoughts in my head. And I used to be the one who would set his life in perspective, and tell him to wake up. Aah how the tables have turned! I cannot say that everything in life is now set in the right motion, but I can say it's somewhat back on track. Still hang onto old habits, but its no longer a cause for distraction - or at least, it shouldn't be.

For now I'm just going to sit back and watch life unfold it's magnificence unto my undeserving eyes, and have faith that things will work out for the better. I have never regretted things that have happened to me and this time its no different. You know what they say, 'everthing happens for a reason.'

LIVE your life, not survive it. But don't restrict yourself to what people say it should be. It's your life and you decide its course. We LIVE and we LEARN.

Cheers to everyone who lives.

National Day - What Does It Mean?

Now I know you guys must have heard the theme song for this year's National Day Parade. It's really bad, no offense to Electrico. To be honest, it really sucks! hahaha. I know it's supposed to be artistic and that is the typical kind of music that the band plays and all, but it's really not the way we all know NDP to be. For years we've been mesmerised by patriotic tunes like "Count On Me Singapore", "We Are Singapore" and "Stand Up For Singapore" - This year's song just doesn't match up to it.

Anyways, finally having gotten that off my chest, I was thinking today. What does National Day really mean to us, as Singaporeans. Are we really celebrating 44 years of independence, or are we just happy to see the fireworks and the performances in the parade? I started to think back to the days when Singapore was still a third world country (by the way did u know they called Singapore 'Temasek' in the 19th Century? I had no idea. So basically Temasek Polytechnic is literally 19th Century Singapore Polytechnic LOL kidding kidding :P)

I mean back then, the people of this country were living in poor health and less than sufficient homes, like many other Asian cities were. My mom tells me they had to poop in little cabins outside their kampongs and then wait for the waste collector to come and get it. Later got diarrhea how sehh?? "Uncle, wait i still got some more coming!" - lol....

But look at the country now. I mean I only need to walk like a couple hundred of meters before I get a decent place to poop. I have an equal chance to be the person I want to be and get employed equally (though not always). I was watching a documentary about Singapore on the Discovery Channel and they showed the classic scene where MM Lee was all emotional when we separated from Malaysia. I really can imagine how he would have felt.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not sucking up to the country or how perfect it appears to be. I mean come on, I still have issues about that whole criminalizing gay sex thing. MM Lee also said that we are not a nation yet, and i totally agree.

It ain't perfect, but there is no where I would rather be this month than here in Singapore, singing to the old classics and walking around the neighbourhood as they display the NDP spirit. I'm no sucker for the country, but after all these years, I would say that National Day really is one day where we put aside our many many many many differences and celebrate together. Don't laugh at me for this post. Lol.

So come 9th August, as you recite the pledge and participate in the only Singaporean holiday, think about what it means to you, what it means to be Singaporean. It may be that at least you have a country to call home, or it may just be the simple fact that it's a public holiday for 2 days. Whatever it is, Monday NO SCHOOL !

~WE WILL STAND TOGETHER HEAR THE LION ROAR~

cheers.

Mitchell is a hot-guy name.

So I was scheduled to have training the other day, for the whole 'Poly 50' run. The trainings had started like 2 weeks ago but i never bothered to turn up lol. The day before the session the leader of the whole thing messaged me saying "You have either not been coming for training, have not replied any of my messages, or have not given me your Tshirt sizes, or all of the above. Are you still running? I would need to substitute you..."

So i guilted myself into running, since i had voluntarily signed up and all. Man did i make a smart move. This leader told me i was in group 3, and that my team leader's name was Mitchell. Mitchell? wow. sexy name already. :P

So when i headed down to the running track naturally i did not know who Mitchell was. I decided i'd call the number given to me. Ring once.... no one picked up. "No way man... imma spam this fella till he picks up," I told myself. Second ring. A masculant voice picked up the call and after like 5 seconds of talking my friend next to me nudged me. "Err... look there."

I turned and i saw this piece of hunky man meat (probably shouldn't describe him as a piece of meat but oh well) that was wearing tight sportswear. That singlet totally showed off his sculpted arms and those tight shorts could in no way mask his bonerific (LOL) behind. He had a totally hip hairstyle and perfect teeth too! Like OMG was this guy an absolute dream man or what? lol. And guess what? He spoke great English. @.@

What i'm trying to say is that he was totally hot. I may have gotten carried away with the last paragraph there, sorry lol. But it's not just him. I know like 3 people named Mitchell and they are all undoubtedly hot, like Matthew's friend from Shatec that goes to gym, or that Mitchell dude in secondary school (he was much hotter then, lol).

Why are all the Mitchells i know all irrestibly hot? I really don't know. After last friday's training i can safely conclude that Mitchell is indeed, a hot-guy name.

Next time you go online-dating look out for people named Mitchell, or at least, now you know what to name your kids. haha.

cheers.